(I debated whether or not to share this publicly. Obviously I landed on doing it. I want to be an open book and always hope that my transparency will encourage someone else.)
Yesterday was one of those days when I would have given just about anything to have you with me again.
I have heard some words over the past few days that are still a bit surreal.
I’m pretty sure I inherited my rational brain from you. Most days logic rules in my life. Even so, here is how my brain was working during a lapse of sanity:
skin cancer = cancer = 9 year (often horrifying) battle with cancer = death at a sadly young age
Add to that Google searches which tell me those who develop non-melanoma skin cancers have a 50% greater risk of developing other non-skin related cancers. In addition, if the person diagnosed with non-melanoma skin cancer is young (say, 32), the risk of developing other types of cancers jumps even higher.
Thank you, Google.
I recognize that all of this worry was premature considering I won’t know the results of the biopsy until Wednesday and it could be nothing. And yet, I worried.
I don’t fear death. You taught me there is nothing to fear. I do worry about the implications of cancer to a 32-year-old mother of two who also happens to be immersed in a church plant and missions work in Cuba. So day one I was perfectly fine and on day two, I flipped. On day two, I needed my dad.
I needed you to talk to me rationally and be my pastor. I needed you to lay your hands on me and pray for a miracle.
Thankfully you taught me some valuable lessons while you were still here, and I have even learned some on my own since you left. I knew I couldn’t live in a state of panic for five days, and reached out to God for help. Help came in an unexpected way.
See, I have this friend. You would love her. She is spiritual and wise and selfless and caring. She persisted in making sure I was okay, and eventually I let her know I wasn’t. She told me I had permission to worry. I told her she was setting the bar too low for me. She responded that there is no bar for me until Wednesday and that I could react however I wanted until then.
It was in that moment that I realized just how wrong she was. (Don’t feel bad, spiritual, wise, selfless, caring friend. We are all wrong sometimes.) I had a moment of clarity and responded with this:
“I have a bar. I need to be trusting in God. I don’t get a free pass because something scary is on the horizon. What kind of follower would that make me? I know God allows lament and questioning… for a period. But I also know he demands trust.”
What kind of trust do I possess when I trust God only during times of health, wealth, prosperity, joy and plenty? Isn’t it in times of sickness, struggle, poverty, famine, lament and sorrow when my trust is truly tested?
I felt better after that conversation. I felt even better after my church gathered around me and prayed to God on my behalf for health, healing and a good report.
What really made all the difference was my conversation with Jesus last night.
I don’t have you, Dad. But we both know I have something even better. I have the Holy Spirit on the inside that is my Comforter. I serve a gentle Savior who speaks peace to storms and who bore stripes for my healing. I don’t have you, but you introduced me to Him. For nine long years, you modeled unshakable trust in Him and I choose to follow in your footsteps.
My prayer and hope is that this is nothing and that it leads to nothing. I know that I don’t get a free pass on suffering while on this earth and that my days are numbered only what God permits. I also choose to have faith and trust that my future is not determined by genetics (as your son Michael so graciously pointed out yesterday) but that a righteous woman’s steps are ordered by the Lord.
I woke up this morning with a peace that passes all understanding. I will walk in that peace and trust until Wednesday and beyond, wherever this road may take me.
Thank you for teaching me by example.
Want to read more letters to my dad?