I am ruined.
I think that phrase probably merits an explanation, so here goes.
A few months ago we took Ava to the orthodontist for a free consultation, knowing braces were in her future. Sure enough, we were told Ava has a particularly serious lack of space in her mouth, not to mention a major cross-bite. The cost for an expander and two years of braces? $5,200.
I am ruined because in the months since realizing we would spend $5,200 on braces, my brain has been thinking of all the things we could do with $5,200.
We could buy a church in Cuba.
We could sponsor 12.38 orphans in Uganda for a year.
We could sponsor one orphan in Uganda for 12 years.
We could help our friends in Cuba improve their home, or just buy them a new one.
We could pay for a family we know to get caught up on their house payment and not lose their home.
We could buy 346 chairs for churches in Cuba in need of seating.
We could surprise my cousin’s church in Jersey City with an offering.
We could buy a couple mopeds for pastors in Cuba without transportation.
I could give an offering to a friend wanting to adopt.
My friends, I am ruined.
It has been a process getting to this place of ruin. My dad was always generous with his money, supporting missionaries all over the world. I have seen poverty in Cuba. I know how $5,200 can bless a Cuban church. I have talked to my friend Linda about the starvation of kids in Uganda. I gave up shopping for a year. The Holy Spirit nudges me nearly every time I find myself thinking I “need” something. I am ruined.
On top of all of that, I am uncomfortable with the societal pressure to look perfect. I don’t want to send the message to Ava that she isn’t good enough, that her appearance is so important to us that we will spend more money than we spend on practically anything on “fixing” it.
And yet… I don’t want her to go through life judged negatively because of a not-perfect smile. Girls and especially teenage girls in the U.S. face enough pressure as it is. I certainly don’t want to contribute to what will surely be feelings of inadequacy in her teenage years by not getting her braces.
Then I think of Sarai, Ava’s friend in Cuba. She is one month older than Ava and just as precious to God and almost as precious to me. I think of what Sarai worries about. Sarai deals with an empty belly when her parents are low on money. Sarai has a lymphatic problem in her leg which causes it to swell 2-3 times the normal size. Sarai rarely has shoes that are comfortable for her to wear on her long walk to and from school. Should Sarai have a severe toothache, her tooth would most likely be pulled. She has no hope of a perfectly straight, gleaming white smile. Yet Sarai is happy, content, loved and secure. Sarai loves and is loved by God. For Sarai, perhaps that is enough.
Yes, I am ruined, but I don’t want to be any other way. I never want to go back to my calloused indifference. I never want to go back to thinking that where my money goes doesn’t represent where my heart is. It matters how our family spends $5,200, and at the end of the day, I have to give an account to God in prayer for the kind of steward I am. If I want to be held accountable for every dollar I spend, I certainly must be held accountable for spending 5,200 of them. Ava has her braces, but the money was not spent lightly.
Oh, I recognize the risk I take saying this out loud. It is a risk because I am setting myself up to be judged. Every new outfit, every car, every home, every purchase I make has the potential to be judged by those around me. Yes, this makes me uncomfortable. But surely I must recognize that God sees every purchase I make, whether you do or not. His opinion matters and let me just say it, matters more than yours.
I am ruined and that is because children are dying of starvation. I am ruined because all people do not have access to clean water and medical treatment. I am ruined because my brothers and sisters in Christ suffer. I am ruined because people are dying without hearing the good news of Jesus Christ. I am ruined because people in my own city are going to bed hungry. I am ruined because someone I know may lose their home. I am ruined because a friend lost their job and doesn’t know how they will pay their bills. I am ruined because the gospel message has not been preached to every tribe and tongue.
And ruined I will remain.
What about you? Have you had any experiences that have left you more aware of how you spend your money? What process do you go through when spending large amounts of money? Is prayer involved? What is the most rewarding thing you have done with your money? I would love to hear your feedback!